Face your fears and pain

Life  takes you through highs and lows and since my childhood I would fight the tears and be strong because crying or being emotional about something was a sign of weakness. My mother was not showing much weakness either and her mother neither. And my mother from my fathers side was even stronger. So I come from are a line of strong but very kind women. This is how I thought life is to be lived. I would laugh a lot and found a way to see the humor even in the darkest hour. I was a happy child but hated being away from my family. I had a very deep pain in my heart all the time while I was in hostel but learned to ignore it and to live as if life was a dream. 

This verse is a very familiar approach and the best way to deal with the ugly side of life was to press my emotions away and live as if they were not existing. And then something happened 4 years ago. My heart suddenly stopped on the way to my second brother in laws funeral. The pain was too much to bare, the thought of him not being there for my sister and both now my sisters having to live a life without their life partners as I had to for many years, was just too much. My brain cut out to protect myself and that is where the second part of this verse is so true. The emotions catch up with us sooner or later. PSTD is a sickness many people have to live with. They are the people that have a really kind and loving heart and want to help rather than to do harm. When they are harmed they deal with it like I did. They dream it away. But when they see others being harmed or are forced to harm others like in a war their brain cuts out and they cannot deal with  ornal life situations anymore. It’s a very real sickness like cancer. But it doesn’t kill you it just changes your level of emotional strength from high to zero in a second. You never know when it will hit you. Often when you can relax or have time away from stressful circumstances. I pray for every person that reads this and that can relate. It’s one of the hardest psychological phenomenons and I had no idea what it was until it hit me. The good news is that medication is available to assist your brain not to cut out and to keep you calm but it does help to speak to a professional who can guide you to recognize emotions and give them names. So you know when they come that you allow them to be there and to let the tears flow or shout when you need to. After my husband Hans died there was no time for grieving I just had to cope for my two beautiful children and then I had a marriage proposal very quickly after he passed away that was lovely at first but when things turned out differently than we hoped we separated and I had two losses to grief. My school graciously gave me 6 weeks of leave to get heal because I had the first signs of PSTD at that point. Sadly I had to leave because teachers cannot survive on a one person salary and I had to find a better paying job. I loved my school kids and it broke my heart to leave but no one knew because I always had to be brave and strong. I’m at a point in my life where I realize that I need to be open and honest with myself and others need to know what I am thinking and going through so they also understand themselves better. 

The Lord has created us a beautiful and sensitive beings that are supposed to care for each other but he himself said that we need to care for us first before we can care for others. Don’t burden your family with your emotions but find a professional or a great friend to talk about your state of mind and give it names so your brain understands your emotions too. It gives him a plan on how to deal with that part so much better and then does not cut out.